Adventures in International Flying

Passport OCD

In a reversal of the seemingly lax passport scrutiny this spring in Portugal, I think we had our passports checked a dozen times coming home from Croatia. Most of this obsessive routine occurred at Frankfurt, where we had our passports reviewed as we got off the plane - in the jetway. And again after getting off the shuttle bus. And again entering the terminal. And again before lining up to board, and again at boarding. We managed to get coffee without needing to present a passport, but we did start taking them with us to the bathroom, just in case there was a checkpoint there too.

The Seat Stealers

What do you do when you are stuck in the economy seats that you booked, but there are open seats in “comfort” or business class? Well, you just make yourself comfortable because, hey, it’s an empty seat, right? And you’ll be the smart guy who gets to sit there for free. Or maybe not, because it’s Lufthansa and these Germans are not putting up with your shenanigans. While a few folks happily (or maybe unhappily) paid to upgrade to these available seats, several who refused were politely but firmly escorted back to their original seats. BUT there was, of course, THAT ONE GUY who kept trying. Three times he tried to sneak into a different seat, and three times got caught because duh, and three times he refused to pay, and three times he got removed. I mean, I think most people figured it out after one attempt? He argued with the first two attendants - both women - and they finally sent a male attendant to deal with him the third time. We started to think they would be turning the damn plane around to dump the guy. The attendants ended up putting stickers on the backs of all the seats that were legitimately occupied, they got tired of counting heads of the ticketed travelers. I think they should have just put a sticker on the guy.

The Ugly Americans

Please do NOT be these women, who sat directly in front of us. In addition to hacking coughs that sounded like they’d been smoking for 50 years - and maybe that was it, I’ll let you know if I’m sick in a few days! - these are the people you dread being around. They dropped something every hour - phones, water bottles, ipads, silverware, thunk, thunk, thunk. They rattled and rustled every possible thing, moved their seat backs constantly, could not figure out - loudly - how to perform the basics of plugging in earphones…and so on. They threw their trash in the empty seat across the aisle. They made the attendants list the food choices, questioned them like they were staff at a restaurant before making a choice, and argued about not being able to get the special meal that they didn’t order. Off the plane in Detroit, they complained about having to go through customs when pretty much anyone could just swim across a river and get into this country.

They wore patent leather sandals with fuzzy socks.

Medical Emergency #1

Two rows behind us, a gentleman was having what was perhaps an allergy issue? I am not sure. He spoke with a flight attendant, who brought him water and continued to check on him until at some point they paged for a doctor. They got 2 nurses and a doctor (people can be so awesome), and one of the nurses had a personal stash of benadryl that was deployed…hopefully he is OK, but that was quite a crowd behind us for a while.

Medical Emergency #2

This guy - who paid to upgrade his seat and sat directly behind me - was apparently running a fever high enough that staff was delivering cold compresses for the back of his neck. Was he wearing a mask? Heck no. He got looked at by the doctor after Allergy Guy got settled, not sure what - if anything - was administered, and he refused the suggestion to see a doctor when we landed. Hope he is OK too, but sheesh.

Kudos to the medical professionals who were on the plane, not realizing they would be called to action.

Assorted Crying Babies

These come standard on all flights.

In Flight Entertainment

As if all of the above wasn’t enough - Lufthansa offered some pretty awful music choices, and a series of whatever these movies are. I did not watch them. They seem to involve the misadventures of a small-town police officer, but not sure where the pig’s head “al dente” and the sauerkraut coma come into play. I’m sure it’s streaming somewhere!

International Travel Review: It's Complicated

Confusing. Unclear. Conflicting. Expensive. Inconsistent. What the hell?

These are just a few of the reactions to the travel requirements we recently experienced when we traveled to Portugal on a Rick Steves “Heart of Portugal” tour in March/April (to be clear, NO complaints about the tour itself!). Note that YMMV depending on destination and airline - and hopefully, much of this will go away or at least get streamlined in the near future.

Flight Check-in

Tried doing this online with Delta with no success - even though Delta kept sending me reminders to check-in, and use their FlyReady program. At no time did I ever get a message stating WHY I could not check-in online, or why the FlyReady program would not work.

At the airport, the Delta counter agent - clearly annoyed that I would even ask - informed me that there has been no online check-in for international flights in 2 years. Like I’m supposed to know that. Our vax cards were checked, our test results were not, and we received a paper boarding pass (can’t even remember the last time I had one of those!)

COVID requirements

As I mentioned in a previous post, our US vaccination cards are persona non grata in Europe, because they are not digital. Since they are not accepted by the EU - and the US is not on the reciprocal country list - proof of a negative COVID test is required by many destinations.

We connected in Amsterdam, which maybe required a negative test (stated as required in one section of entry requirements, but vague in another) and a filled-out entry declaration form. Portugal absolutely required proof of negative COVID, so in an abundance of caution in case of delays, we opted to get a rapid PCR test that would be good for 72 hours. We printed and filled out the form for the Netherlands. We completed the locator form for Portugal - another exercise in frustration, as it would note errors in fields, but provided no information as to what was incorrect about the info (can we just have a universal format for phone numbers?) - uploaded it, got a QR code.

Amsterdam checked nothing except our passports.

Lisbon did not even check those. Seriously. We walked off the plane, through the airport, and into a taxi with no checkpoints for anything.

One theory is that Amsterdam is a gatekeeper - once you are through Schiphol, you are good to go pretty much anywhere in the EU. HOWEVER, this is NOT AT ALL what any of the websites - airlines, countries, embassies, official tourism sites - state, at least as of our travel dates (March 20-April 5). But I have never heard of passports not being checked in every country, EU or not. And in fact, tour members who flew directly to Lisbon had a very different experience, with passports, forms and test results all being checked in Lisbon.

COVID Testing Abroad

Our tour required a negative test, and since we arrived a few days early, our PCR results would not be valid. We brought the proctored BinaxNow kits in our luggage and used those for the tour, and later for re-entry into the US. They were about $25/each via EMed, and worked great - no need to go find a test site. COVID testing on our trip ranged from free to 15-30 Euro ($16-32) depending on location. The street kiosks in Lisbon were apparently free; pharmacies and other test locations (easy to find and well-marked) charged a range of fees, with airport locations being at the higher end. Results for all of these options are emailed to you within 15-45 minutes.

Returning to the US

Again, we were unable to check-in online, or use the FlyReady program. The first leg of our trip was on KLM, so Delta website/app jumped over to KLM for online check-in. Most of our info was already there, but we had to provide contact information - twice. Once for KLM, and also for a “US requirement.” None of this worked, no messages as to what was wrong.

Airline agent in Lisbon did check our COVID test result, though, so there’s that! No additional forms required. Amsterdam again checked nothing other than passports (which made sense since our test results were checked and noted in Lisbon), but at the gate required a paper attestation form (promising we had tested negative, etc) that they promptly tossed into a luggage cart without reviewing. You will have to search for the pile of forms, or ask - there were no announcements or anything about it, and you’ll lose you place in the boarding line to go fill it out.

Conclusion

The requirements are all over the place, vary by airline and country, and maybe won’t be followed anyway once you get there. You’ll have to determine your own risk/comfort level. In retrospect, we would probably have been OK with an antigen test at departure- and they are offered at the Detroit airport although you sure wouldn’t know it if you searched online - depending on flight schedule. It’s not clear if “within 24 (or in some cases 48) hours of boarding” is by flight segment, or the start of your whole itinerary. I was annoyed that we went to the trouble of finding a rapid PCR test for a result that was never checked, but it was probably worth the peace of mind to have all schedules, time zones and any delays covered.

International Travel Planning: COVID Edition

We are in the end stages of planning an international trip, and while I expected a couple of ridiculous developments, I did not expect they would be with a) trouble finding a COVID test, and b) arguing with Verizon about international plans.

COVID DOCUMENTATION

I know you will be shocked SHOCKED to discover that the US has handled this poorly. Our PAPER vax cards are, technically, not accepted by the European Union because we are in the DIGITAL AGE ffs, and they view our crumpled paper cards with suspicion and some justifiable derision (there are indications that in real life, in some locations, the cards are OK, but who wants to get stuck?). The US is also not on the list of countries with reciprocal agreements with the European Union and it’s pretty damn embarrassing when 35 countries including Albania, El Salvador, Togo and even that pretend-country the Vatican have managed to figure out how to create an acceptable digital vaccination certificate, but the US has not.

Because we are this collectively stupid, US travelers have to have proof of a negative COVID test before entering some countries. We are heading to Portugal, a country that managed to get their entire adult population vaccinated very early on, and they require a negative COVID result at the airport. And it has to be “lab-certified” - at-home tests under video supervision, or through a pharmacy or clinic that can provide digital documentation.

This of course costs money. And requires not only time, but timing. With a Sunday evening flight that goes through Amsterdam before landing in Portugal Monday afternoon, a good-for-24-hours antigen test seems risky. What if we have flight delays? But - PCR test results, good for 72 hours, are still taking 1-2 days around here. Which takes up 24-48 hours of the 72-hour result window. I would have to get tested Friday afternoon for the result to still be valid Monday afternoon, and that assumes I would even have the result by Sunday.

Enter the “rapid test” choices. And the expense. A PCR test with a result in 15 minutes and the digital record sent to your phone or email? $125-300. I made an appointment for Sunday at one of the few local clinics that even offer rapid results - $135 each. Might be covered by insurance, but still - ouch. But that result should get us into Amsterdam, if needed, and then through Lisbon and even through our initial hotel check-in.

AND - GUESS WHAT? Those antigen tests we all got for free from the US government? CAN’T BE USED TO RE-ENTER THE US!!

INTERNATIONAL CALLING

Hey, I’ve done this before! I have used Verizon’s TravelPass plan for international travel. You are charged $10/day if you use it. Once you use your cellular connection, you are charged $10 for the next 24 hours. Don’t use cellular? Don’t get charged. (I have my cell data and roaming turned off for the majority of the trip - easy to get texts and emails wherever there is wifi). The plan then simply uses your domestic plan allowances - if you have unlimited talk and text, you get unlimited talk and text. The only downside is - perhaps? - some throttling on speed, but it’s not like I am downloading games or video in the middle of Lisbon. For a 17-day trip, I might fire up a cellular connection a few days here and there; even if I use it for 5 days, that’s $50.

I added TravelPass to my line, but was unable to add it to husband’s even after multiple attempts. I got on Chat #1, and the majority of the chat was the rep trying to sign me up for the $100/month international plan, because TravelPass would cost me $170. I replied that it would only cost me $170 if I used it every day. We then proceeded to have some version of this conversation multiple times until I finally asked if I had gotten connected with sales by mistake. The rep finally did what I had been asking and added TravelPass to the number.

OR SO I THOUGHT. Four days later, no TravelPass shows up in the Verizon account. I start Chat #2. And again with the sales pitch for the $100/month international plan, complete with a statement that with TravelPass we would be charged as soon as we started our trip. It would be $170 per line vs the $100/month/per line! I replied that was not how TravelPass worked. I could keep TravelPass in my plan for forever, and only be charged if I actually used cell service internationally. I resorted to copying and pasting entire lines of how TravelPass works, directly from Verizon’s website, into the chat.

Success. Finally. But…geez, people.

OTHER ODDS AND ENDS

Health declaration form - paper - to get through our connection in Amsterdam - check. Health declaration form - digital - to get into Lisbon - on tomorrow’s agenda. App for the BinaxNow proctored test downloaded and account set up - check. Laundry done, ready to pack - check. What to do about my interpretation of “adequate pairs of shoes” vs tour packing list vs what will fit in my carry-on….uhhhhhhh….

How I Was Able To Book A Room At A Homeless Shelter in Brooklyn

(TL;DNR - I did not end up with a room in a homeless shelter in Brooklyn.)

I took a quick trip to New York City this weekend, planned a month ago. Got a super cheap airfare into the finally-renovated LaGuardia, a not-so-cheap hotel room, and made plans for shows, dinners and museums with my brother, my son, his fiance, and a collection of mutual friends.

I decided to stay in Brooklyn this time, and booked at the New York City Aloft Brooklyn hotel, in downtown Brooklyn. It’s a few blocks from the A and C trains, so quick and easy access to Manhattan and to my kid’s place in Bed-Stuy. The Aloft is a Marriott property, and I booked directly with the hotel, online.

Imagine my surprise to get an email on Sunday before my Thursday departure that the Aloft was closed “due to COVID” and my reservation had been switched “at no extra cost” to the Sheraton next door.

I found myself wondering what kind of very sudden COVID outbreak would result in an entire hotel being closed. So I googled it. And guess what?

Aloft Brooklyn has been closed for almost a year.

It was being used to house residents of the city’s homeless shelters during COVID, in hopes that by housing them in a hotel and not in the usual communal bunk rooms, the spread of COVID would be reduced. Which seems smart, and is great, and honestly, hotel-style shelters should probably be the norm…but.

As an older female, solo-traveling in NYC - travel that includes returning from Manhattan late at night after shows…I wasn’t quite sure staying next to a homeless shelter was a great idea. I mean, I certainly don’t tend to book hotels next to shelters, as a rule. And I was really not clear on how I was able to book this hotel in the first place.

So I called the Sheraton. And was informed that the Aloft was closed because of COVID, and it was most definitely not being used as a shelter, and they had moved me to the Sheraton “right next door”, so what was the problem? And no, they could not move my reservation to a different Marriott property.

I called Marriott. They had no idea that the Aloft was even closed, or why. They could also not move my reservation to another Marriott property, I would have to call Aloft. I pointed out that Aloft was closed, so how could I call them? The rep I spoke with was sure that if I called during “regular business hours” someone would answer the phone. At this hotel that was closed.

I started looking at other hotels. But since Marriott did not notify me until 4 days before my trip that my reservation was at a hotel THAT WAS CLOSED and they were MOVING MY RESERVATION WITH NO INPUT FROM ME - every hotel in NYC was either booked or was priced at twice what I was already paying.

Enter Twitter Rant Brother, who helpfully posted the situation to Twitter and tagged Marriott Bonvoy. And got an immediate response that I should call them - even though I already had. A different rep was decidedly more helpful, but also puzzled about how I was even able to book at Aloft - and noted that now it looked like I had two reservations, one at Aloft and one at the Sheraton. She then proceeded to look for other Marriott properties to move my booking - except I would have to pay the current, much higher rates. I tried to explain how this was not OK - this was a Marriott-created problem, why should I be paying for it?

While the rep was nice and tried to be helpful, the call ended without any resolution beyond the suggestion that I could try again with the Sheraton to either move my booking or get some price adjustment for the inconvenience and, to be honest, the very un-Marriott-like customer service.

In other words, Marriott was dumping it all back on me, their customer. to try to resolve.

I called the Sheraton and at least got some more reasonable explanations, kinda. The Aloft had indeed been used as a shelter, but was supposed to re-open as a hotel in October or November - and this is why I was able to book. Meanwhile, the Red Cross was looking to shift residents displaced by Hurricane Ida flooding from the other hotels where they were housed, to the Aloft - which the Aloft agreed to do, and again, good on them! But - and this is where the story falters a bit - they apparently continued to allow bookings at the Aloft. Which were then shifted to the Sheraton at the last minute. And I was not the only one they did this to recently, and I was not even the first reservation to experience it. Reviews as far back at July indicate they could book at the closed Aloft, and then were switched at the last minute.

And no, they could not offer me any points, discounts, airport transportation, food vouchers, or any of the other typical “oops we messed up” offers. “You are already getting a deal,” was the response. “The Sheraton is a higher-end property.” Ha.

And they wonder why people were pissed.

I ended up staying with the Sheraton. I could find nothing in Brooklyn or Manhattan that would not cost me an additional $600 or more for my 4-night stay. It was…OK. This “higher-end” property is shabby, with updates limited to a bedside USB port. Key cards worked most of the time - I only had elevator issues 3-4 times (including getting stuck on the 8th floor, with doors that would not open, and riding up to the 24th floor so I could come down to my floor without needing my card to work. I mean, hardly worth mentioning!), and one room access delay which was resolved after multiple tries.

As I walked by the Aloft next door, it was very clear it had not operated as a hotel in quite some time. Is it a “homeless shelter?” No. Are there folks living there? Yes.

At least now you cannot book there. New since I started my complaint last week is this message when you plug in dates:

A Mega-Migraine in the COVID Times

I get migraines. Not often anymore, and rarely severe, so OF COURSE the powers that be decided to gift me with a doozy this week. My prescription meds weren’t touching this one.

Add to that, I’ve had a sore eye for about a week, which seemed long enough to me, so I called my doctors office to see if I could get a quick appointment - not realizing that a major pandemic victim was…routine medical care. My goal was to hopefully get something for the eye, and maybe an injection for the headache.

But no. Because guess what? Everything is a COVID symptom now. “Do you have pink-eye?” the receptionist asked. “Well, I dunno. That’s why I am calling,” was my bewildered response. Sore eyes are a COVID symptom. So is severe headache. And nausea. And chills. All of which are standard migraine stuff.

“We can’t see you,” the receptionist said. “You can go to urgent care in Brighton or Ypsilanti. I can make an appointment but it won’t be today.” Okay then.

I went online to the urgent care site. Walk-in wait times were…800 minutes. That is not a typo. I managed to snag a late afternoon “save my spot” time the next day. Then I also scheduled a telemed appointment for the same day, in the morning.

The telemed appointment was interesting, but needs work (text messages asking for insurance information with no identification of the sender - c’mon people). And I know you will all be shocked to find out that eye exams don’t work real well over Zoom. The nurse recommended an in-person appointment, and was impressed I already had one.

It was cold and raining when I drove to Brighton, loaded on migraine meds (don’t recommend this) and I gotta give a shout-out to staff. All of the intake procedures take place in the parking lot, they had to be having a miserable day - taking temps and oxygen levels through car windows, and handing out damp forms to be filled out, and excuse me but WHY BOTHER with the online check-in if I have to fill out the same damn forms when I get there?

Eventually, I was escorted through the back door of the clinic for a rather comprehensive eye exam that resulted in nothing more than “I think your eye is just dry, use more moisture drops” and the news that I could go to an opthamologist, if I could get one to see me, what with all my covid symptoms.

Got my frontal lobes COVID-probed with the 3-foot Q-tip. Results might take up to 3-days.

By the time I got back home, I knew the migraine was beyond help. I called my doctor’s office the next day - they still can’t see me unless I have a negative test result. You know, the results I won’t have for 2 more days. But they would see what my doctor recommends and call me. I was honestly hoping I could have someone shoot me up in the parking lot…but no. 6 hours later, I’m told I can double my dose of migraine meds.

Yes, dear readers, JUST TAKE TWO. It has taken 3 days to get to this point.

Which I do. And by some miracle I do not puke it all up. And it dulls the pain to “tolerable” which in migraine-speak is the equivalent of being hit upside the head with a sack of potatoes, as opposed to a baseball bat.

I need to state that this little rant is not about any of the medical staff - nor the efforts being taken to prevent the spread of COVID. I get it, I really do.

But my head hurts. And the message in all of this seems to be - too bad.

Dubious Claims: Deconstructing A Political Postcard About Dope

I know we are all shocked - SHOCKED I say - that a giant political postcard advocating a yes vote on a ballot measure allowing up to 10 marijuana facilities in a one-square-mile village with a population of 2200, would be filled with Dubious Claims. Right?

My postcard conveniently arrived as I was reading through the ordinance that “Jobs for Pinckney” is proposing for Pinckney. Yes, there is an extensive ordinance that is the “proposal” mentioned in the vague ballot language. Not that you would know that, and the group doesn’t seem to have a website or other online presence where you can find it. So the village is providing its own link HERE.

Now, disclaimers: The thoughts expressed in this piece are solely mine and do not represent the positions of the Pinckney Village Council, or individual staff and trustees. In the interest of transparency, I am currently a trustee on Pinckney Village Council and voted to opt-out of allowing marijuana facilities in 2018. I also voted yes on the statewide ballot in 2018 - like the majority of village residents. Would I support a marijuana retail facility within the village limits if that’s what residents want? Yep - now that the state has finalized licensing procedures, and after establishing appropriate zoning to ensure a location that made sense.

I’m going to focus on the postcard, because pretty much none of what it says is true, or is at least disingenuous, and shows just how much homework they DIDN’T do before launching this effort.

“Raise hundreds of thousands of dollars in new tax revenues and licensing fees” - ha, nope. While taxable value of the properties occupied may increase, and thus the amount of property tax collected, it sure won’t be by hundreds of thousands of dollars. And all that state revenue - from a low excise tax - stays with the state, with 15% (after the state takes its cut) redistributed to municipalities. That 15%? It gets allocated across ALL municipalities with marijuana facilities (in other words, we don’t EACH get 15%). As for fees - at the suggested $5000 per license (which the village likely would not be able to charge without justification), that won’t be more than $50,000 if every type of facility - all 10! - is allowed. Not pocket change, clearly, but also not the huge windfall they are advocating.

“Redevelop blighted, abandoned and vacant property in the Village of Pinckney” - also a no. Nice idea, but no one can make anyone do this.

“Encourage businesses to hire Village of Pinckney residents and those negatively impacted from marijuana prohibition for the new jobs that are created” - note the term “encourage” which I suppose puts this is the almost-true category. However, there is nothing about hiring local in the proposed ordinance - and the village cannot tell anyone who to hire anyway.

On side two of the postcard, we have more claims:

And on the other side of the giant postcard..vote yes on things that…you aren’t actually voting on.

“Vote for more jobs for Pinckney” - but this isn’t what you are voting for! You are voting for an over-reaching ordinance that will allow for all three classes of marijuana production, two retail establishments, a “consumption” establishment, a safety compliance facility, a secure transporter, a microbusiness, and a processor. Ten facilities! Where the hell will we put them all? And no one can require businesses to hire Pinckney residents.

“Now Hiring” - no one is hiring anyone yet, except “Jobs for Pinckney”, which hired out-of-state canvassers to collect petition signatures.

“Vote yes for hundreds of new jobs” - you’re gonna get tired of my saying this, but this isn’t what you are voting for! You are voting for an over-reaching ordinance that will allow for all three classes of marijuana production, two retail establishments, a “consumption” establishment, a safety compliance facility, a secure transporter, a microbusiness, and a processor. Ten facilities! Also the math does not work here. There simply cannot be hundreds of positions generated by this proposal. There are not enough properties, or land, within the village limits that could possibly support the facilities to employ “hundreds.”

“Vote yes for improved village services” - this sounds great, but this isn’t what you are voting for! You are voting for an over-reaching ordinance that will allow for all three classes of marijuana production, two retail establishments, a “consumption” establishment, a safety compliance facility, a secure transporter, a microbusiness, and a processor. Ten facilities! The first “improved village service” that would be added is additional administrative positions to deal with this unnecessarily complex ordinance.

“Vote yes for economic development” - another nice-sounding thing, but this ALSO isn’t what you are voting for! You are voting for an over-reaching ordinance that will allow for all three classes of marijuana production, two retail establishments, a “consumption” establishment, a safety compliance facility, a secure transporter, a microbusiness, and a processor. Ten facilities!

“Prohibits the sale of Marijuana to anyone under the age of 21” - duh. This is state law.

“Would require testing of all marijuana products sold in retail outlets licensed by the Village of Pinckney” - also duh. This is state law.

“Would provide additional worker protections and require that businesses hire people negatively impacted by marijuana prohibition” - another no. The state law does include a section on social equity - it’s optional and no community in the county meets the state’s social equity criteria. And again, the village has no authority to manage labor relations for private businesses.

“Prohibits green crosses and use of the word “marijuana” on store signs” - whew, that’s a relief. It’s a major concern, for sure. I mean, we would want people to be offended, driving down the street and seeing the word “marijuana”…oh, they spell it “marihuana” in the ordinance? Oh and state law requires signage not be visible from public streets? Oh.

“Prioritizes the hiring of Pinckney residents” - another no (see above). Village has no authority to tell businesses who to hire.

“A Better Pinckney with no tax increase” - better how? And for whom?

Please vote - anyway you want! But know what you are voting for. Don’t trust the postcards - or even this blog! Read the actual ordinance and make your decision.

Vote For A Candidate That Actually Cares

You should vote the way you want, as long as you vote.

But please vote for someone who actually acts like they give a damn about you and your community.

Someone who talks the talk AND walks the walk. And does it respectfully.

Recently, I was tagged to introduce our local congressional representative, Elissa Slotkin, at a campaign event here in the village. This is not something I generally do, to be honest. Initially, they contacted me to ask about local people who might be able to perform the introduction, so I gave them a few names and contact information, and then made the mistake of offering to be a back-up. You can guess how that turned out.

I had about a day to come up with something. You can see the live version on Facebook and YouTube, (complete with Slotkin’s talk and Q&A - even if you are not a fan, her stories about getting PPE to Michigan are hilarious, and also…not). Below is a written version of my intro. Without the campaign signage in the background, I think it is easier to see that the central point of the piece is a call to vote for someone who cares.

We should all want to be represented by candidates who meet us where we are, in our community.

We should all want to vote for more than a sign in someone’s yard, some junk postcard we got in the mail (funny how those still seem to show up!), or a talking point that has nothing to do with our local concerns.

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Hi everyone, I am Rebecca Foster, former village President and current President pro tem - which I think is Latin for “spare” -  and it is my great honor to introduce our current congressional representative, Elissa Slotkin.

There is this wonky political term - “retail politics” - that is supposed to convey an on-the-ground effort, a politician who spends time in their district, connecting with constituents. You would think that is a no-brainer - isn’t that how it’s supposed to work? - but showing up where we are, at the farmers markets, the parades, the festivals, the coffee shops, isn’t always a priority for the representatives we send to Washington. It’s a priority for Elissa, who wants to see us, hear us, and meet us where we live.

COVID brought her usual ground game to a grinding halt...but Elissa pivoted to the virtual platform as well as anyone and made sure town halls and community calls continued throughout the stay-at-home period. That connection was crucial to her and to our community. In the pandemic times, we need the opportunity to be heard by someone who would work as best she could to get us information, funds, solutions, and even masks.

It’s been a minute since we had a representative who felt this need to connect with us regular folks - actually, the last one was over 5 years ago. That was Mike Rogers, who, I must point out, was a Republican - so this is not a partisan feature. It’s a hallmark of an elected who cares. Rep Slotkin has made that kind of connection and accessibility a priority. When she is not in DC, she is here - in Pinckney, in Howell, in Brighton and all the other communities in her district. She’s listening. She’s taking our priorities - not just yours, not just mine, but that big, broad, sometimes troublesome “ours” - back to Washington, and while the politics of getting things done can derail what she can reasonably accomplish on our behalf…she makes every effort to explain what has and hasn’t happened, and why.

A couple of examples of our congresswoman in action...Elissa knows that our rural communities rely heavily on the post office - and not just for the junk mail and the social scene. Mail delays mean we are all getting mail that was postmarked two weeks ago - or just not getting mail. Recently, I almost missed a wedding shower because the invitation was so late. More important, and possibly life-threatening - a mail-order prescription got stuck in Indiana somewhere, and I had to jump through a bunch of hoops with my doctor, my insurance and the pharmacy to get some interim refills. Our congresswoman is headed to DC tomorrow to work on postal service funding so we can feel confident that our checks, our bills, our medical supplies - and of course our absentee/mail-in ballots - won’t go the way of my prescription. Which never did show up.

PFAS is another huge issue here. Our recreation and water access convenes around the Huron River, its tributaries and the Chain of Lakes. The discovery of high levels of PFAS - a cancer-causing substance that is in everything from fire-fighting foam to chrome-plating processes to dental floss and fast food wrappers - sounded an alarm state-wide and locally, complete with ridiculous-sounding warnings about not eating the river foam (seriously)(as tempting as it is, don’t eat it). We may not be able to eat fish caught in the Huron for years. Water supplies have been threatened by current and obsolete facilities that used these chemicals. Elissa pushed those concerns in Washington, crafting provisions included in two legislative acts that addressed PFAS drinking water standards, testing and clean-up - and holds the Pentagon accountable for its role in PFAS contamination at military facilities throughout the state. This year, the House passed another Slotkin amendment requiring the Defense Department to follow Michigan’s new, very strict PFAS standards. 

I’ve been a Pinckney resident for over 20 years - so, yeah, I’m still new here. But over half of those years have been spent as an non-partisan elected official here in the village, where I am also very much a “retail politician.” I’m not interested in hearing partisan talking points. I want representatives who listen and respond. I think communication and connection is simply part of the job from our little local level, all the way to the top. I notice when it’s missing. And I don’t like it.

I may not agree with everything Elissa does or doesn’t do - do we agree with anyone 100%? But I know I want that kind of connection with our community and someone who will voice our small town and district-wide concerns in Washington as best she can. And you should want that too.

Escape to New York

The hubs and I recently grabbed a few days and headed to the Finger Lakes region in New York State for some hiking, and possible winery touring - although we weren’t too sure about the winery part, to be honest.

Got an Airbnb so we could eat in, for the most part, although New York had opened restaurants in a limited capacity and the weather was fantastic for outdoor dining. But the towns were small, and like our area here in Livingston County, many places were take-out only, open on weekends, or still closed (perhaps permanently).

We ended up having a great trip. The hiking was beautiful. We had some delicious meals - take-out and outdoor dining. The wineries were a surprisingly accurate reflection of how the entire country is handling the pandemic - with piecemeal approaches and varying degrees of success. But sitting outside, sipping some wine, enjoying a gorgeous lake view is pretty much always a good thing.

The biggest shock? Face masks.

EVERYONE was wearing them. EVERYWHERE. WITHOUT COMPLAINT. Like it wasn’t a big deal!

It was crazy.

Every “indoor” place we went required them. Grocery stores, restaurants, wineries, shops. Big towns, and small towns. We did not see a single person who did not have a face mask of some type - worn properly, on their face!

It was clear that wearing a face mask in public settings was…an ordinary thing.

But wait - there’s more! Over 50% of the people we saw outside, wore a face mask.

That’s right. OUTSIDE. Walking down the sidewalk. On the hiking trails. Riding bikes. Pretty much anywhere you might pass by another person without being able to be 6 feet away. Maskless pedestrians would don a mask as they approached another person on the sidewalk or trail.

It was so damn…polite. Considerate. SMART.

And effortless.

Happy Hour(s) In The ER (I'm Fine)

Want to know how long it’s been since I’ve been to an emergency room?

Husband, driving up D19 to Howell: So, where am I going?

Me: How the hell do I know?

I should jump in here and say, I am FINE. I was, theoretically, fine throughout this entire episode. After staining balusters and handrails on my deck for a few hours, I decide to clean up and head to Brighton for some routine lab work ahead of a routine medical appointment next week. Got my blood drawn, stopped at Meijer, went to Lowe’s, headed home - and was impressed to find my test results had already landed in my medical portal.

Then all hell broke loose. I was just looking at the results, thinking “Damn, Doc is NOT going to like that potassium number” and I get a call from the doctor’s office that I needed to head to ER.

Me: What? Why?

Nurse: Well, your potassium is 2.8 and at 2.5 people go into cardiac arrest.

Me: Oh.

Nurse: Make sure someone drives you.

My doctor also checked in, was encouraged that I “sounded chipper enough” and thought maybe this was a false test result.

It wasn’t. Second test at ER came back at 2.6. And I already take a potassium supplement daily <insert long boring medical story but, you know, reasons and not a big deal>.

By this time, it is after 8 and I had been there for 2 hours. On one side of my curtained space was an elderly gentleman with some obvious breathing issues and either a very vivid and active dreamscape or some dementia, or maybe both. On the other side, a woman had drenched herself in enough perfume that I considered asking for a respirator mask.

Elderly neighbor <snores, snorts, pulls out his oxygen, alarms go off>: I HAVE LIVE TRAPS IN THE BASEMENT! WE CAN TRAP THEM AND HAUL THEM OUT TO THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE…

Perfumed lady, on phone with a relative: I told them I needed my phone because you would be calling, and if I didn’t answer you would be calling the IRS and the CIA!

Elderly neighbor <snores, snorts, pulls out his oxygen, alarms go off>: IS IT COLD OUTSIDE? IT WON’T WORK IF IT’S TOO COLD. DAMN IT. SHIT.

Perfumed lady, to nurse: Will it hurt? Nurse: Well, it IS a shot.

For. Three. Hours.

There truly is no medical privacy in ER, HIPAA be damned. Luckily (?) for me, I needed like 4 gallons of potassium and they decided they could move me to observation for the 4 hours that would take.

Note: potassium via IV sets your veins ON FIRE OMG

Also note, for all you medical folks: it was not 4 gallons really, but it was 4 sacks, and they did add saline to put the fire out, but damn. Someone needs to figure that out - after they figure out squish-free mammograms.

And while the ER was being, well, the ER - they were also on high alert as rumors circulated of busloads of yahoos coming into town to “participate” in the peaceful protests that were occuring a few blocks away. Officers were periodically checking with ER desk staff, and hanging out, but up to about 9 pm, I did not notice any increased activity.

The observation unit was a zen oasis by comparison - it helped that I was the only patient there, and had a 1:1 nurse/patient ratio. Applying the classic “you do not got to the hospital to rest” rule, I was jolted from any napping every hour as my IV would sound the alarm that I need another sack of juice.

I finally got sprung at about 1:30 am after another blood draw and a normal range result.

But I find myself wondering if my elderly ER neighbor ever set his live traps. And what, exactly, wasn’t working because it was too cold outside.

My Pandemic Accommodations: A Review

I’ve been staying at this lovely house in a quaint little town in southeast Michigan during the COVID-19 shutdown. My husband and I have the place to ourselves, of course, shared with 3 cats and some backyard chickens.

The house is nicely situated a few miles from grocery stores and fast food places, and even has a few local spots that have been open for takeout. Fifteen miles away or so - if you want the drive, and who doesn’t these days? - are more grocery store choices, including a Costco.

Plenty of parking in the driveway and on the street. The neighborhood is nice, friendly and suitable for walks - walking downtown is not out of the question, if only it were, you know, open. A rails-to-trails system is also just a short distance away, and offers a beautiful walk, run, or bike opportunity. A short drive takes us to a state recreation area and a metropark with additional trails. These have definitely been a highlight during a stay-at-home order that seems never-ending.

The house itself looks recently renovated and has plenty of space, with a spacious deck and patio to enjoy when the weather is nice. Good internet that only seems to have issues on holidays; cell service is good (Verizon anyway). Comfy beds, fluffy towels. Kitchen is huge and well-equipped - really well, I mean, they even have an InstantPot here, and a mandoline that I have not sliced my hand on (yet), and every type of baking tin known to humankind. And over 30 cookbooks. Of course, this all great now that there is all this time on our hands, right?

The chickens are entertaining, and there are eggs every day. The yard is huge, lots of garden spaces for growing veggies, and a few fruit trees - all of which will be great for upcoming $10 tomato crisis, or whatever will happen with the food supply chain this summer.

I have to say, the meals are fantastic. And the wine pairings - well, wow. Last night was grilled blackened salmon with french fries (roasted, not deep fried, healthy and delicious!) - and Aperol Spritz for happy hour, and a rosé with dinner. The night before was a lovely asparagus (right from the yard!) and mushroom risotto, paired with a very nice Michigan - I know, right? who knew? - fumé blanc. Tonight I hear the menu includes grilled T-bones, roasted asparagus with cheddar sauce, a Caesar salad, and homemade baguettes. Rumor has it this will be served with an affordable but excellent California Zinfandel that just arrived.

Thank god for the running trails or I will have to be rolled out the door when this is all over. And it’s possible I would not even fit out the door.

The only downside is that the cleaning crew has been absent - understandable during the shutdown, of course. Even with just the two of us - it’s amazing how much housework we generate now that we are both home, all the time, eating all our meals here. I think we run the dishwasher every other day. I feel like I vacuum all the time. I almost understand the toilet paper panic now.

All in all, I would give this place 5 stars - maybe 4 if this were normal times and there was still no cleaning crew. But as a place to be stuck for a time during a pandemic? I’ll take it.

Errand-running in the Covid Times: A Rant

Over the past three days, I managed to get to about six different businesses in Livingston County. Most of these errands qualified as essential, but a couple were, admittedly, not crucial…but when you live in Pinckney and you need to go to Brighton you try to do all the Brighton things you can in one swoop. So.

It was abundantly clear that the whole “wear a mask” deal, to quote some movie pirates, is just a guideline, really. Signs at all the businesses claim to value employee and customer safety, and require masks and distancing. Or maybe not.

And then there are the directional signs in the stores. And what the hell with driving and parking people? Did you forget how?

The new directional marking for aisles has been the bane of my errand-running existence since it started. My initial complaint was simply that most shoppers are not looking at the floor as they move through a store (I have been in exactly one grocery store - Plum Market - where they thought to put signage at eye-height at the end of every aisle). But as more places adopted this strategy - and again, I get it and it makes sense even if it does add what seems like HOURS to the shopping you are trying to accomplish quickly - it’s clear they all need to consult with a traffic engineer or something.

Meijer (Brighton) should win an award for Crappiest Directional Arrows in the Taped To The Floor category. From the toddler they put in charge of tearing off ragged and uneven chunks of duct tape to whomever they have appointed chief traffic safety engineer, this store is a frustrating, confusing mess. Some aisles have arrows; some do not. Produce is a free-for-all; not sure what it is about selecting fruit and veggies that is different than, say, grabbing a yogurt, but arrows are used in the dairy aisle but not anywhere in produce.

At one point, I was driving my cart down a main aisle, in the correct direction, when the arrows stopped - and then appeared going the other way. Do I keep going, the wrong way? Do I turn around, also the wrong way? There are no rules of etiquette for these situations. It’s worse than those traffic circles.

Actually, a traffic circle is a great idea. Costco has one in the dairy room that almost kinda-sorta works (about the same score at the Lee Rd roundabouts!).

Home Depot (Brighton) had a line marked for paint orders, and one for order pick-up, which left no through-aisle. Do I go through the paint order line to get over? I decided to cut around the back of the paint counter, only to end up - back in the paint order line. After not finding what I wanted, I could not exit the way I came in, but I also could not seem to get to the exit door without going through the entire store. Exiting, I had to pass close to two employees, presumably staffing the exit, both of whom had their masks pulled down under their chins.

Now, given the idiotic “but-my-freedoms” reactions in Michigan of late, I completely understand why businesses would not be enforcing the wearing of face masks by customers. They are desperate for business, and it’s just not worth risking assault or death because some asshole who has never read a constitution of any type in his life thinks wearing a mask violates his constitutional rights. So I get that.

But employees? Not so much. Every single place I went - and Home Depot (Brighton) was the worst - had employees who either did not wear masks, OR who wore masks, but they pulled them down under their mouths so they could talk to each other, or to customers.

This face mask thing, it’s not hard, people. It barely even cracks “tedious” on the things-ya-gotta-do-these-days scale. Not wearing a mask is not the hard-assed display of freedom and independence you think it is, It just shows that you are stunningly inconsiderate. Also, possibly, not very bright. It’s a bad combination. And you get no points for wearing a mask when it’s not covering your face. That’s not how this works.

I spent the entire time in these stores with that mask cartoon - see above - in my head, front and center. This is stressful. The humor wears off, trust me, and all you have left is a dick visual and a stupid one at that.

And did everyone forget how to drive? The parking lots were even more life-threatening than the stores. I sat in my car watching an older driver in a huge Lincoln attempt to pull through a space - but the space he was aiming for was the space I happened to be in. And I couldn’t back up because some chick was standing behind my car, on her phone, not moving. Leaving the parking lot, I almost got t-boned by a man in a minivan who apparently thought that “safety measures that can be ignored” included stopping at stop signs. Of course, we are in Livingston County, where our sheriff felt the need to announce publicly - not once, but twice! - that he would not enforce executive orders, especially since the infractions were no more serious than, say, running a stop sign. Maybe that’s the problem?

Quick word to the garden centers - your crowded tents and greenhouses are not exactly “outside” you know?

Needless to say, I survived this round of Errands of the Apocalypse with nothing severely damaged other than my usual good mood.

My faith in humanity? That got trashed a while ago.

A Tale of Two Children (Coronavirus edition)

“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way - in short, the period was so far like the present period, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only.” -Charles Dickens, A Tale of Two Cities

Not ready, not ready, not ready. It is astounding the degree to which no one is ready for this, and I am not even talking about the over-arching - and let’s face it, somewhat understandable - “not ready for a global pandemic” or “not ready with testing of this new thing” or “not ready to be inundated with unemployment applications” and so on.

CHILD 2

My youngest son is a patient care tech on a post-op floor. He’s the guy who takes your vitals, draws your blood, sets up your IV, responds to your call button and helps you to the bathroom. He came home for a few hours on April 4, and we kept all the appropriate distances - the only time we were even in the same room was at dinner, and he sat at the island while we sat at the table, 10 feet away. Afterwards, he mentioned he could not find his thermometer, so I dug out an old digital one I had and suggested we should test it since it had not been used for a while.

I wish I had taken a picture of him sitting there, looking down at the read-out with crossed eyes (like you do) and muttering around the thermometer “This isn’t good, this isn’t good…”

100.1.

We used the scanning thermometer and confirmed it. No symptoms. He said he had a slight headache, but not one that he would even think to take anything for.

Being the caring parents that we are, we threw him out (well, he threw himself out).

Sunday he still had no symptoms and his fever was still 100. On Monday, he called the work hotline and they had him come in to be tested. Told him he would hear back in a day or two, gave him a sheet with instructions including that he would be called with his results, and the hotline would not have this information. He was taken off his Monday and Tuesday shifts.

By Thursday his fever was gone, but he had still heard nothing and called the hotline number, even though his instructions said not to call. And was told they were only calling positive results. And if he needs his results he had to log in to his online patient chart.

Which he had never done. Because he has never needed to. And no, there was no number to call.

So he sets up his online patient chart access and the message is that he will get an access code, but it might take a week (!) for processing and verification.

To recap: he is tested, told they would call with results, gets no call, calls a hotline number he is not supposed to call, is told they are only calling positive results so he probably negative. But he has no proof he is negative. And cannot get that documentation.

Saturday, he has not gotten an email, so he called his unit. They agree he is likely negative, but he can’t come back on shift until he can submit the results. He is taken off work for Saturday and Sunday.

He has now missed 4 days of work. As a health care worker.

On Monday, he called his unit boss who suggests that he call his primary care and see if they can get him access to his online chart.

This call actually works. And yes he is negative. And he is back at work - on a coronavirus floor.

CHILD 1

In addition to living in NYC, the biggest coronavirus hotspot in the US and maybe beyond, my oldest child got sick in late March and although he had a few symptoms, he had no fever and so was not tested for coronavirus, despite having been exposed at work (he is reasonably sure he did not have the virus, and felt better after a few days on some cough meds). His architecture firm switched to work from home, then switched him to a different project when the one he was on went on hold.

On April 6, they laid him off (his partner was laid off in March when all the salons closed). The phone call from his bosses was kind and not entirely unexpected; the firm had hired a bunch of new people for projects that had been in the pipeline - and now were on hold. He was one of about 34 architects they were letting go. But in another example of “we haven’t had to do this and don’t really know how” - the professionalism of that call was negatively impacted by a call soon afterwards from his direct project manager wanting an update on the project; no one had told him his lead designer had been laid off. He immediately felt like an asshole for calling. (“OMG, I had no idea!!”)

His night-owl partner woke him up at midnight so he could file his unemployment claim on the first day he would be eligible, and hopefully avoid all the website crashes, application glitches and dropped calls that many have been experiencing. Everything went through just fine.

Except one thing. He had to submit his separation of employment papers, and these could not be emailed or faxed. They had to be printed and mailed.

Yes, you read that right. The entire process is online, except you cannot submit your separation of employment that way. Nor can you fax it.

Well, he has no printer. No one he knows has a printer. There is nothing open in NYC where you can go and have something printed.

So he emailed the document to me, so I could print it, and mail it to NYS Department of Labor.

Not sure which one of Dickens’ ages or epochs we’re in right now…

Senior Hour at the Local Costco (Coronavirus Edition)

The hubs and I decided to check out the new “senior hour” at Costco this week.

And I have to say, Costco (at least this location) is doing everything right.

That long line? There are reasons! The carts and the line are all outside. The line also wraps around inside where the carts used to be, to keep everyone separated. Most folks were keeping their distance (and most seemed to be over age 60). I’d guess about 40% were wearing masks of some sort. Staff was moving down the line, handing out wipes and vinyl gloves.

Ready to shop! Or maybe rob a bank.

This is the only store I’ve been where they are limiting the number of people going into the store. Staff are directing traffic - as soon as someone comes out of the store, they wave the next person in.

They have signs. Everywhere. One sign lists what products they don’t have (hand sanitizer, rubbing alcohol and ground beef were some of the items listed when we were there). Others remind you of social distancing (with pictures, in case you just don’t get it). They are limiting the number of people allowed in per membership - 2 people. Yes, that means you can’t bring the family.

Signs about distancing are located throughout the store, as are signs limiting how much you can buy of certain products. And if you are wondering if the cashiers will even notice - why, yes. Yes they will, and they will confiscate your extra 5 packs of TP, and your second cart filled with paper towels and Clorox wipes. When you are standing in a huge-ass line to check out, the urge to cheer every time this happened was almost overwhelming.

They have stacks of confiscated products stacked at the registers - in fact, pro-tip here: ask at the register for those wipes you couldn’t find. Chances are staff relieved someone of 6 packages of them.

My most important Costco purchase, the rare and elusive Clorox wipes bundle. I bought one package BECAUSE I GET IT PEOPLE. Also, half of them are going to the kid who works at St Joe’s.

While most people were great about keeping their distance - and honestly, it’s easy to do with the Costco XL carts and wide aisles - there are always those few, aren’t there? Like the women who stopped to have a lengthy conversation, positioning themselves on either side of the aisle, with no room for anyone to get through responsibly. And saw, but ignored, the people at either end who were waiting.

I get it. You see people you haven’t seen in a month. Live and in person. But…don’t do this, OK? Call them later.

The checkout lines? Predictably lengthy. I started in the back of the store, in a loop by the hummus, made it to the cheese case, and by the time I had inched up to bath towels I was redirected to another line. Staff walked the lines, moving shoppers with less than 4 or so smaller items over to a cashier in optical.

It was so well managed, that when I got to the checkout area - standing within the large yellow lines that indicated a safe distance (notably, this is roughly the length of your XL Costco cart + you + customary personal space)(unless you are one of those shoppers whose idea of space is to have your cart touching the butt of the shopper in front of you. Don’t be that person.) - I thanked the staff person who was directing the line and told him I thought the store was doing a fantastic job with all of the precautions.

At checkout - you wait until the belt is completely clear to load your items, and if your cart is not full, they will tell you to just leave it all in there. They scan your card and no longer offer to swipe it for you. Plexiglass panels are in place in front of the cashier and the register. In other words, they are taking every step they can think of to limit contact (although I was a little surprised my cashier was not wearing gloves - most seemed to be).

Obviously, the food court is no-go right now, and is completely blocked off including the tables. At the exit, you slide your receipt through an opening in a plexiglas panel to be checked.

Arrival to departure, this was about a 1.5 hour excursion. We had a specific list, and it was small - my guess was this would have usually been a 30-minute shop. So keep that in mind if you go, and factor in a bunch of extra time.

And go on a nice day for that outside line.

Mourning the Death of My Local News Subscription

I tried SO HARD to hang on to my local newspaper subscription. But I just can’t any longer.

I’ve subscribed to the Livingston Daily for almost 21 years. And today, I will be cancelling my subscription. And I am angry. And sad.

I consider news and awareness of the world as critical components of my daily life - and local news was certainly even more vital as a “get to know the community” vehicle when we moved here from Oregon, and when I entered local political life in 2004.

But the local news I wanted to read (and thought I was paying for) was gradually - and then abruptly - reduced. Local editors - gone. Local reporters - reduced to, what, three now? Local news seems to max out at 2 pages, and that’s only if an awful lot of local shit happened. Local sports, one page.

Communities and schools, which used to enjoy daily coverage (whether they wanted it or not!), now cannot get any coverage at all. Even if they send a press release - and their own photos. Coverage outside of Howell and Brighton was always a little sparse. Now it’s almost nothing. The Howell and Brighton coverage is limited to the BFD stuff - murder trials, morally-impaired judges, million-dollar restaurants.

Which means, essentially, I am paying for a USA Today subscription with a different front page.

I’ve complained many times over the years about my Livingston Daily subscription, and Gannett’s ham-handed approach to customer service - in 2018, and in 2016 ( see here and here).

A credit card statement prompted this latest round of investigative effort - $12.99. Household accountant, aka husband, circled the amount on the statement in red, which is secret code for “Honey, you forgot to give me a receipt for something. Again.”

Turns out I did not forget, as this was an auto-charge from Gannett. “Oh, it must be one of those damn premium editions,” I thought - until I checked my account and saw I had been charged $12.99/month since April 2019. My subscription account summary, however, showed that my subscription was $9.99/month.

The good news - I guess? - is that customer service had not blocked my email address. Yet. The bad news is that sometime in 2019, Gannett decided that we all needed premium editions - EVERY. DAMN. MONTH.

With no communication. And nothing in your account indicating the additional $3 was for the premium editions. Here is how the rep explained it: “Your current monthly rate is $9.99 plus premium editions which are $3 each and Thanksgiving surcharge which is $5.  Unfortunately, you cannot opt out of them.”

Translation: Your current monthly rate is $12.99.

And those premium editions for 2020?

• 1/12                       Puzzles and Games                      

• 2/02                       Black History Month

• 3/??                       Best of Guide

• 4/19                      Earth Day

• 5/??                      Travel Guide

• 6/??                      70th Korean War

• 7/19                      Summer Olympics

• 8/16                       19th Amendment

• 9/06                       WWII 

• 10/25                     Puzzles and Games

• 12/20                     Photos of Year

Yeah, no local news here. Also, no dates for the March, May and June editions. Also, what in the world is the 70th Korean War? What happened to wars 2-69?

But I digress. I tried to cancel my subscription, but I cannot do that via the site or via email, I must CALL.

So long, local paper. It was nice while it lasted.

My Annual Holiday Baking Extravaganza Part Six (a series...with recipes!)

In Which, There Wasn’t Going To Be A Part Six, Yet Here We Are

One of these snowflake cookies is gluten-free.

I am not a gluten-free person, but I have friends who are for a variety of reasons. And because I am a nice friend (I am! Honest!), I have played around with gluten-free baking on occasion, and other than the coconut macaroons (and let’s face it, you could probably put sawdust in those things and they would still be fine)(do not put sawdust in them though), I have never been satisfied with the results.

Gluten-free flour mixes are expensive. Even the ones you can concoct at home usually have 4 different flours, plus xanthan gum - and that really starts to add up! So I was surprised to see a simple - really simple - blend on The Kitchn, using rice flour and tapioca flour.

Two ingredients. And I already had the rice flour. In fact, I had white rice flour and brown rice flour and both of them had “best by” dates of…<checks bags>…<whispers> 2017.

Do I get fresh stuff when I am at the store getting the tapioca flour? Of course not.

---

Gluten-Free Flour Mix from The Kitchn

• 1 lb white rice flour

• 1/2 cup tapioca flour

Dump the flours into a bowl and whisk together. Measure out in same amounts as regular all-purpose flour in recipes.

---

I did not have a pound of white rice flour. So I did 1/2 lb white rice and 1/2 lb brown rice flour.

I used this mix in the chocolate sugar cookie recipe (also from The Kitchn). I figured the worst thing that would happen is the cookie would be too crumbly and maybe I would have to turn the dough into a pie crust or something.

Wait, that’s a lie. I figured the worst thing that could happen is that the chocolate cookie dough would taste terrible.

It didn’t. It was its usual delicious self. The texture was a bit grainier, which I would expect with rice flour. After chilling the dough for a couple hours, it was time for the ultimate test - baking test cookies. I made a couple of snowflakes and a star and popped them in the oven.

I also had a bit of royal icing leftover from my last decorating session. Am I doing everything wrong here? Yes. Yes I am. I gave it a stir, added some powdered sugar to half of it for piping (icing tends to thin out a bit after a day or two).

The snowflake cookie on the right is the gluten-free version. There is a texture difference in the gluten-free cookie that is minor (and some might prefer, actually) and the cookie spread maybe just a tad more but not enough, obviously, to ruin the shape.

I cannot show you the star, because I ate it.

My Annual Holiday Baking Extravaganza Part Five (a series...with recipes!)

In Which We Discover The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly of Royal Icing

I have…well, had…a container of “mistake cookies” on the counter as proof that using royal icing takes some practice. My family will tell you that there is nothing wrong with a bin full of mistake baked goods (“mistake cakes” are also a thing here), and mostly they are right - they are all edible, tasty even, but just don’t meet my design and appearance standards.

So my first attempts at royal icing landed firmly in the mistake bin, and were consumed quickly. I just want to get that out there in case you decide to try to pipe some cookies the day before you need to take them to some gathering. JUST DON’T. Make a batch just to practice on (there also exists in the world, ceramic practice cookies, if that suits you better. Not sure it will help you with dealing with things like Santa’s beard though). And obviously - I am not a professional, so google some videos, find other sources, etc.

There are a ton of royal icing recipes out there, and they are all just a little bit different. The easiest ones call for meringue powder, which, depending on where you live, might be easiest to find online. It’s spendy, ($19/lb) but also will get you many batches of icing. I ordered meringue powder from Truly Mad Plastics (site recommended by our local commercial cookie baker, Krazy Kookie Mama), which also has all kinds of baking supplies and does custom cookie/fondant cutters.

And I ended up using the recipe on the back of the meringue powder bag - I got the best results with it, for producing piping-consistency right away with no need to add more sugar to thicken it up (that said, it can get runny after it sits for a day or two, so you may need to add more powdered sugar at that point).

Because I hate those cooking blogs that make you wade through 6 pages of narrative before they finally get to the recipe, here is the recipe! And more narrative after if you want to read it.

TMP Royal Icing Recipe

• 1/4 cup meringue powder

• 1/2 cup water

• 1 tsp vanilla (optional - or use other flavoring)

• 1 lb powdered sugar, sifted

In medium/large bowl, beat meringue powder, water and vanilla until peaks form. Beat in powdered sugar. Your mixture should be thick and somewhat fluffy. For piping, the icing should hold its shape a bit; for flooding you want it thick but to smooth out after a few seconds (there are LOTS of probably better descriptions for consistency online!).

I like the flavor of my cookies, so did not feel the need to jazz up the icing with any flavoring other than vanilla. But you can add whatever flavoring you want.

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So the good - the icing is tasty and complements the cookie. You can do cool stuff! It sets up hard so you can stack cookies; you can freeze them iced if you want. You can use tips (about a $1 each at places like Michael’s) and if you are doing some precision piping, you might want to go that route (I used a #2 and a #3 mostly). Otherwise, it’s easiest to snip a tiny bit off the end of the bag (very tiny! practice this!).

The bad and the ugly overlap - this is messy as hell. And some bits - like snowman hats! - are difficult. Or at least, it is for me, even after icing something like 14 dozen cookies. It’s also wasteful - lots of plastic piping bags, lots of unused frosting. I tried piping using plastic bottles and it just did not work as well. And since it’s hard to gauge how much icing you’ll need in which color, you just can’t avoid tossing some away. Or eating it! Ha, ha, no, did I just say that? Maybe don’t eat it. Or don’t eat all of it.

So what special stuff do you need?

• Meringue powder

• Piping bags

• Piping tips (optional)

• Food coloring gels (important! Do NOT use the liquid food coloring, you will not get the color you want. Santa’s hat will be pink. Not that there is anything wrong with that.)

• Fine tip brushes (for painting faces, etc)

• Vodka (for drinks!)(oops, no, actually it’s for diluting the coloring gels for painting - evaporates fast so doesn’t make your icing mushy)(also, drinks)

To give you an idea of how I did what:

You can be better than me and make up all your piping and flooding colors and bags before starting. I did not do this because I wasn’t sure how much I would need to do what. Err on the side of making too much of a color - flooding in particular takes more icing than you might think. Doing a TON of cookies? Make a batch of piping and another one for flooding, then color in smaller amounts as needed.

Pre-piping note on the stamped cookies: I used “luster dust” - about 1/8 tsp mixed with about 1/2 tsp vodka - to paint onto the cookie before piping. When shopping, read carefully - many are not “food grade.” Here is a better photo:

Piping: I used a #2 tip for most of these, mostly because I wanted to leave some cookies a bit plain for variety and for folks who don’t like a lot of icing (ahem, that would be…me). The tip gives the line a little more precision, which I like when there is no other decoration. Note on the stamped cookies - these are a pain in the ass, but they look cool and are easy to decorate, just follow the lines!

While the piping was still a little soft, I added any sprinkles so they would stick. The red balls on the trees in particular have to be done before the icing sets too much - just ask my cats how many of those they got to chase around the floor because they rolled off.

Flooding: If your icing is a good piping consistency, you will only need to add a tiny bit of water to get a good flooding consistency. Like, try 1/4 teaspoon at a time, depending on the amount of icing. Icing should smooth out after a few seconds. To apply, you can use a larger tip (#3 or maybe #5) or, just snip a bit off the end of the bag. It’s easiest to gauge how big a snip if you do it AFTER you fill the bag with icing. Ask me how I know this.

Like with the piping, you need to add your sprinkles before everything sets so they stick. The red balls (damn things) WILL roll off the snowman belly if you wait too long. They will also bleed into the icing if it’s too wet. You’ll figure it out.

The icing needs to be totally set before you paint any details, if you’re going to do that. I mean, a blob of black icing works just fine for snowman eyes, orange for the nose, etc - but honestly, I was kinda done making tiny batches of colored icing, and this seemed easier. One drop of color gel and a drop of vodka will get you a nice opaque color for painting.

Have fun, and enjoy the holidays! I am off to make some more mistakes! Hopefully, just with the cookies in my life.

My Annual Holiday Baking Extravaganza Part Four (a series...with recipes!)

In Which I Offer An Easy Gluten-Free (Or Not!) Option

I don’t know about you, but I know exactly…zero people who don’t like coconut macaroons (not to be confused with macarons, a different - but also gluten-free - cookie. Or a Macron, who is not, as far as anyone knows, even a cookie). I often make these as a gluten-free addition to a cookie plate - and they are usually the first cookie to disappear.

This tried and true recipe is actually from the back of the Baker’s sweetened shredded coconut package. I use about half the sugar, and substitute the flour with a gluten-free option, usually white rice flour. You can find many variations of this cookie online - options include using unsweetened coconut, natural sweeteners, eliminating egg whites (usually subbing coconut oil or similar), maybe adding some almonds. It’s a versatile cookie, so you do you!

And because chocolate never ruins anything, I dip the bottom of mine in a bit of dark chocolate. You know, just to dress them up a little.

Coconut Macaroons

• 1 bag sweetened shredded coconut

• 1/3 cup sugar

• 6 TBS rice flour or other flour

• 1/4 tsp salt

• 4 egg whites

• 1 tsp vanilla

• dark chocolate for melting and dipping (I use Trader Joe’s “pounder plus” dark chocolate bar, but chocolate chips work just fine)

Oven to 325.

Dump coconut into a large bowl and break up the lumps. Add sugar, flour, salt and mix. In a separate bowl, whisk the egg whites and vanilla until blended. Add egg whites to coconut and mix until well blended - mixture will start to bind together.

Using a tablespoon, measure macaroons and roll into balls (pro tip: use food prep gloves to prevent sticking, and for smoother surface). Arrange on cookie sheet lined with parchment. Bake for 20 minutes or until coconut starts to get golden.

When macs are cool, melt chocolate in microwave on medium-low setting. Pour some melted chocolate on a plate. Dip bottom of cookie into chocolate and return to parchment to set.

My Annual Holiday Baking Extravaganza Part Three (a series...with recipes!)

In Which I Offer An Easy Family Favorite

Does the idea of making cutout cookies with the little ones make you twitch? It’s right up there with letting them decorate the tree, right? - and I am here for you. It’s possible we need a support group. But anyway. This recipe is from my mom, and we just called them snowballs. I have no idea if that is the real name or not, but when she gave me the recipe card, that is what she called them, so…

Original recipe from my mom - see below for some minor changes I made.

They are essentially a Russian tea cookie (so timely!) - butter, sugar, flour, egg. Add nuts and/or chocolate chips.

And then you simply roll them into balls and bake.

This is where that mild control-freak impulse is useful and important - you want the balls to be essentially the same size. And I find the easiest way to do that is to mush the dough into a tablespoon (the measuring one, not the soup one), and then roll it into a ball. None of this “shape into walnut-sized balls” business - who the hell knows what a whole walnut looks like these days? What if you’ve only ever seen super-sized mutant walnuts?

Do a bunch of these at a time, and hand the already-measured dough to the kids. They’ve all used Playdough, so they got this. Mostly. You can subtly fix lumps and funny shapes before baking, or you can roll with it (ha) and add mini-chocolate-chip eyes to the snakes and whatever other shapes they produce.

Snow snakes. That’s actually a pretty good idea.

I did make changes to the recipe. I do not bother to sift the flour, and I use the Bob’s Red Mill whole wheat pastry flour as it helps the dough keep a more rounded shape (all-purpose flour will still result in a circular cookie, but a little flatter). My family prefers no nuts, so I increase the chips.

Snowballs (edited version)

• 3/4 cup butter, room temp

• 1/2 cup sugar

• 2 tsp vanilla

• One egg

• 2 cups flour (I use Bob’s Red Mill whole wheat pastry flour but all-purpose is fine)

• 1/2 tsp salt

• 1 cup chocolate chips, or nuts, or a combination

• Powdered sugar (for rolling finished cookie)

Oven to 350.

Blend butter and sugar until fluffy. Beat in vanilla and egg. Add flour and salt. Dough will be a bit crumbly. Add the chips and/or nuts - you may need to mix with your hands.

Using a measuring tablespoon, press dough into spoon - do not overfill. Pry out and roll into balls. Place on ungreased cookie sheet or use parchment. Bake 15-20 minutes* or until edges are just golden. Cool and roll in powdered sugar. Makes about 2 1/2 dozen.

You can freeze them before covering with the sugar, then thaw and roll in the powdered sugar when ready to serve (My experience has been that if you freeze them with the powdered sugar on them, the sugar on the bottom of the cookie can get soggy after thawing).

*bake time should be the same for your snow snakes, unless they are really flat - in that case, check them at 10 minutes

My Annual Holiday Baking Extravaganza Part Two (a series...with recipes!)

In Which It Is Determined That The Only Thing Better Than a Sugar Cookie Is A Chocolate Sugar Cookie

Apologies again for my rudimentary icing skills here…but you get the idea.

Because, duh.

EXCEPT. There are an awful lot of chocolate sugar cookie recipes out there that are kinda…meh. It’s the worst kind of disappointment.

But I came across a recipe at The Kitchn, and read through it thinking, oh hey. This is a little different….and ran up against the classic cooking-in-a-small-town dilemma of ingredients.

Don’t worry - full recipe will be linked below!

I did not have any dutched cocoa. Or espresso powder (is this a thing? or is it just coffee, pounded into dust?). And I don’t even know what black cocoa powder is. But one of the things I like about the Kitchn (and others) is that they have you covered here, explaining Dutch cocoa, and black cocoa, and then finally admitting that well, you can just use Dutch cocoa.

And the cookies - wow. The dough is chocolatey and delish, and firms up quite hard in the fridge. It also gets pretty sticky as it gets to room temp, so save yourself some time and mess and roll it between wax paper or parchment. Holds shapes really well, although I am not sure you can use a stamp - it seems too sticky for that. The baked cookie tastes amazing on its own, so requires very little in terms of icing to complement it (my royal icing layer is quite thin).

And I actually overbaked a sheet of these…and turned them into a perfect chocolate digestive biscuit. They still tasted great, and had that snap that everyone is inexplicably looking for on the Great British Baking Show.

The recipe for chocolate sugar cookies can be found here.

My Annual Holiday Baking Extravaganza (a series - with recipes!)

In Which We Discuss Craziness and a Recipe for Sugar Cookies

I make a ridiculous number of cookies for the holidays. Between cookie exchanges, parties and care packages - and our own consumption, of course! - I will make maybe 300 cookies.

Yes, you read that right. 300. It’s a little…extra, as the kids say. I generally make about 4 different cookies - two types of sugar cookies for cut-outs and stamping; snowballs (a type of Russian tea cookie); and coconut macaroons (which can easily be made gluten-free). And maybe…some others. Oatmeal cherry chocolate chip. Peanut butter chocolate chip. You know. As needed.

This type of crazy requires a love of baking and creating, a commitment to planning and time, and freezer space (Pro Tip #1: make the dough and freeze it - schedule your baking time later!) (Pro Tip #2: bake the cookies and freeze them - schedule your decorating time later!). And, of course, recipes. You just never know where a good one might turn up…this one was on the back of a box of Nordic Ware cookie stamps.

Nordic Ware geometric cookie stamp box - see below for a more legible recipe.

I am actually not recommending cookie stamps - I find them a bit of a pain in the ass, actually, although they do make a pretty cookie (and I will make a couple dozen). They are finicky - the dough has to be firm enough to take the stamp; if it’s too warm, the dough sticks to the stamp. Ugh. My own trick is to roll out the dough, then stamp them, and then use a round cookie cutter to finish the edges.

But this recipe - that brown sugar is damn tasty, and the dough is almost a shortbread texture. It holds a shape beautifully - no dreaded cookie spread here. You can get away with minimal icing, or no icing at all.

My royal icing skills are rough here - first time I’ve used it, so these are “practice” cookies. My usual go-to is an extremely simple, yet elegant look - I melt dark or white chocolate, pour it into a dollar-store picnic set ketchup bottle, and just outline the cookie. Zero skills or special tools required.

Here is the recipe for the sugar cookies. Next up - chocolate sugar cookies!

Sugar Cookies (adapted from Nordic Ware)

•  1 cup unsalted butter (at room temp)

• 1 cup packed brown sugar

• 1 large egg

• 1 tsp vanilla

• 2 2/3 cups flour (I use Bob’s Red Mill Whole Wheat Pastry flour)

• 1 tsp baking powder

• ½ tsp salt

Oven to 350

Cream butter and brown sugar until fluffy. Beat in egg and vanilla. In separate bowl, combine flour, baking powder and salt. Gradually add flour mixture to the batter and blend thoroughly. Knead dough until smooth, the divide into 2 disks, wrap in plastic wrap and refrigerate for 2-3 hours (or overnight, or freeze for later).

Let dough sit out for a bit to soften slightly. Roll out between parchment or wax paper, ¼” thick (adjust as desired - I like a sturdy cookie). Stamp and cut, or just cut. Bake 10-12 minutes.